(The following thoughts were transcribed almost 2 months prior to the published date. It was waiting in the wings because I didn’t feel like I was meant to share it quite yet; I’m still not quite sure if I should be sharing. Please excuse my lack of filter and any potential gaps in logic.)
Sometimes, life just isn’t fair. You can be dealt a bad hand and you’ve got no choice but to play the game. It sucks. Especially when those around you seem to have things going their way. Even when we have good intentions and wish others the best, you might be lying to yourself if you say you never feel that they don’t deserve it. In the wake of some life-altering event, you may be inclined to feel just the opposite.
I’m going to speak from the heart for moment and talk about an ex-girlfriend of mine. I’ve had enough of them at this point and it’s been long enough that it’s not a direct call-out, so fear not. I’ll admit that I was ready to take the next step in this relationship, and at the time, it simply felt like marriage was the logical progression. But things just didn’t line up quite right. God had to step in and dismantle us before we passed the point of no return. I ended up making the decision to break up, and it was hard! But even my own family all said, “We know you’re ready for marriage, but she was not. This was for the best; God is looking out for both of you.”
I felt defeated, but at the same time, I felt encouraged. God has another woman waiting for me somewhere down the road! Even more perfect than the last. And after all that had happened and all that had been exchanged between the two of us, I walked away feeling like I could say, I wish you all the best. I hope you learn from what took place. You’ll find someone too, I’m sure!
What I’ve had to come to terms with recently is that the turnaround time can be incredibly fast for some, yet painfully slow for others. Despite what lessons have been “learned” or what you feel that person deserves, they may just be dealt a better hand than you moving forward. And that was certainly the case here. While my friends and family were saying that I’m mature enough for marriage and I just need to wait for God’s perfect woman for me, I got to observe my ex’s turnaround as she instantaneously replaced me with a new guy in her life. Could one say that I felt a little jealous? Yeah, I would say so! It didn’t feel good to be replaced so swiftly. At first, I thought, heh, guess she just needs to rebound. But as time went on it would seem now that she has found her match.
So the following conversation then took place between God and me: But that’s not fair! Why does she get to be happy while I’m still waiting!? She doesn’t deserve to be happy after the crap she put me through! How is she ever going to learn her lesson!? Don’t you hear me, God?? I am ready for marriage! I honestly felt this way for a long time. My own selfish desires made me just as guilty, if not more so, than that of the judgement I had placed on my ex. Why did it hurt so much to see that she was happy and I was not?
I was beginning to misunderstand what exactly it is that brings us as Christians joy to our lives. Obviously, it’s Jesus! He is always there for us every single minute of every hour of every day! The Lord cares for us in such a deep way that cannot even fully comprehend His love; we can only define it by what is tangible to us as mere humans. But in this idea lies a better understanding. From Jesus comes all things, including love. Therefore we must go through Him to find it. And through Him we can live our lives in a way that is honorable to the Lord! It is not my place to judge my ex-girlfriend. I had no right even thinking that she had a few things yet to learn about how to act and behave and accept in a relationship before getting settled in again. But through my observations and frustrations, God has taught me a lesson of my own; as slow a process as it’s been, He finally got through to me that I was placing my hope in the wrong thing: a relationship. The idea that a relationship or even marriage can bring someone eternal happiness and take precedence over that of God’s love is so incredibly ignorant. Of course no one would ever admit to feeling that way, but again, you’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t feel this way for any amount of time whatsoever.
We all long for companionship. We all want to be loved by another person on a very intimate, personal, understanding level. God designed us that way! It’s how we as humans are wired to feel. But it wasn’t until recently that I finally placed this desire behind that of understanding and loving my Savior. I finally stopped looking around for who could possibly be “right” for me and just said, God, I know you love me. You love me so much that you can put the right people in my life and it will amplify your impact on my life in the most positive way. I trust that you have wonderful woman out there for me, and I trust that because I’m not searching for myself anymore, You will hit me over the head with how obvious that woman stands out to me and bring the two of us together.
Put God first. He will take care of the rest.