This is a two-part blog. Read the first half here.
“We think too much and feel too little.”
– Charlie Chaplin
I’m writing this as sort of a life update to my last post because they do go hand-in-hand. If you read the last part, you’ll know I discussed the idea that we all long for companionship; we all want to be with someone in a relationship. In my personal story, I had placed a little too much hope in this prospect and wound up losing sight of the Lord. I placed priority over Him in finding that perfect match for myself. When I thought I finally found it, everything else became background noise; I was determined to make my relationship work so I could be happy. But like the Lion our God is, He roared back into my life and stepped in to take control. More than once, actually.
Anyway, I walked away from all that had happened (everything I’ve already explained) saying, Alright God, I’m ready to follow You. First and foremost, You’re in control of everything. I will wait patiently for You to make the necessary changes and preparations in my life for my future wife. It was at this time that I had to tell myself that it’s simply time to remain single. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought that if I tried pursuing a simple “feeling” again, I’d only end up hurting myself and others, just like I had before. So that’s it, I said. I’ll just stay single until it becomes logically obvious to me that I should begin pursuing someone! Easy!
Yeah, not so much.
Notice how I had no choice but to use both “thought” and “feeling” in the same sentence. That’s because you cannot have one without the other! No one can make a purely logical decision any more than one can make a purely emotional decision. As with everything in life, it requires a balance of both. I’ve faced more challenge in the last 5 months in terms of this “I’m single but I want to be with my life partner” mindset than I have in the last 5 years. Not because my heart wasn’t in the right place, but because I’ve been trying to go about it with the most “logical” mindset possible, refusing to let feelings intervene. I made myself confused when I needed clarity. I was overwhelmed when I was striving for simplification. Time and time again, I told not only myself but others as well that I’m honoring God by staying single. But there’s something to be said about the intangible aspect of interaction with other people that transcends logic; something that comes from God but you can’t really pin down why it is that we’re drawn to that person. And at the same time, God will have placed the same pull on their heart as well. It may not necessarily be a “feeling,” but the smartest man in the world wouldn’t be able to reason “logic” into the will of God. This I believe is what I’m truly waiting for; when there are no questions of logic or emotion and everything simply clicks with someone. Where we don’t have to think or feel too hard about what is happening and instead simply let God take control. One of the biggest indicators of a relationship having potential is in the mutuality of things that have yet to be discussed together, yet those same things have already been discussed with God.
I continued to look back to God for peace. I had misidentified His Will for logic, when really it’s so much more than I could ever imagine. So whenever I felt I was thinking about it all too much, I went back to Him in prayer and asked for patience and an unwavering will to do what I knew to be the right thing. It’s been hard though. I’ve lost a couple friendships and I’ve had a few more even still challenged because of hurt feelings and misleading behavior. At times, I thought maybe I was just thinking about this whole thing way too hard. I mean clearly I was in this position for a reason, but perhaps I was being too hard on myself. Maybe I should humor myself every now and then and see where it leads with someone! But I know now, even as I write this, that things will be observably different when God introduces me to someone He has designed specifically for me. I shouldn’t have to shoehorn logic (or feelings) into my observations if my heart and trust really reside in the Lord.
I don’t want to undercut all that I’ve written about before now; I’ve clearly put a lot of thought into what has taken place, even after previously stating that I shouldn’t be too worried about relationships. If God’s in control, you shouldn’t have to think too hard about it, right? Well, no, not exactly. I believe it’s incredibly important to let God be in control of our lives, but I also believe we need to be mindful of when God is about to make a turn. What I mean is that we should be mindful of the things God is having us go through. In all things, we must look to the Lord, for He sets everything into motion. I’ve done a lot of observing and overthinking in the past 6 months, but one thing is for sure: when I have my eyes set upon our God, and my gaze is constantly fixed on Him, that’s when we are able to best praise Him with our lives. Good or bad, whatever the situation may be. When we look to God, we praise Him no matter what is going on.